The Essential Guide For Pooping At Work

Common Problems On The Way There

 

Problem: You're stuck in a meeting

 

 

Solution: Simulate loud flatulence and blame it on the quietest, most reserved colleague in the room. Simulate flatulence a few more times, blame your quiet colleague, and then storm out in disgust.

 

Problem: You run into your boss in the hallway

   

Solution: Show no emotion and ask for a 30% raise

 

Problem: Cleaning lady is blocking the door

   

Solution: Get her attention and spill a cup of coffee on the floor.

Once she goes to clean it up, make your move to the bathroom.

 

Problem: Your boss enters the bathroom at the same time as you

   

Solution: Walk briskly to the sink to make it look like you only went to the bathroom to clean your hands. Wash your hands, dry them, leave and let your boss handle his business.

 

Problem: You have to go for the sixth time today

   

Solution: Call a doctor (Seriously!). Once you get to the doctor's office, relieve yourself, and make sure you get that checked.

 

Common Problems On The Spot

 

Problem: The flush doesn't work

   

Solution: Try 3 or 4 more times (You never know when it'll start working again). If there's no success, take a post-it and write, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea the flush didn't work." Post it high on the wall, and sign it with a colleague's name.

 

Problem: You create odors

   

Solution: Walk towards a colleague with an expression of shock and exclaim, "Somebody left a horrible smell in the bathroom." Make sure to stress that the smell was so bad that you, too, couldn't even go in there.

 

Problem: You make too much noise

   

Solution: Crumple up a few pieces of toilet paper, throw it into the toilet bowl for sound proofing. Your "plop.

.. plop" will be nearly indistinguishable.

 

Problem: Your phone keeps ringing

 

 

Solution: Give a colleague an annoying ringtone as a present and make sure the entire office associates it with him. Since it's a present, he will be obligated to use it. Once everybody regularly associates the ringtone with your colleague, switch your tone to the same one and use the bathroom in peace.

 

Problem: Little/No toilet paper

   

Solution: Rookie move if you didn't do a TP check before going in for a No.2, but anyway, if you're in this situation, sweep your hand under the stall next to you and steal as much TP as possible. Pray that nobody is in the stall next to you.

 

Problem: Your shoes give you away

   

Solution: Learn how to levitate, and levitate approximately 4 feet off the floor. Make sure not to levitate too high because your head will stick out of the top of the stall.

 

Problem: The toilet is overflowing

   

Solution: Close the toilet lid ASAP! Stand on top of the toilet and throw toilet paper on the floor to absorb the water. Sneakily leave, and without indicating that you were in the bathroom, call maintenance and tell them there must have been an accident in the bathroom.

 

Common Problems Leaving

 

Problem: Caught in the act

   

Solution: During your first year at a new company, don't use your bathroom. Use somebody else's bathroom. The second year, just wash your hands. For years 3 - 5, go to the stall for three minutes and do nothing. After year 5, you will be ready drop deuces in your bathroom without being the center of attention.

 

Problem: You forget to zip up and somebody notices

   

Solution: Show no emotion! Confidently announce your fly is unzipped and say, "89% of testicular cancer comes from improper ventilation and 11% is from physical harm. If you don't stop staring and start working, I will add you to the 11% statistic!"

 

Problem: It's impossible to wash your hands

 

 

Solution: Keep silent and do the moonwalk out of the bathroom right to your desk. Your colleagues will be too entertained by the moonwalk to worry about whether you washed your hands.

 

Problem: You leave traces of your trip behind

 

 

Solution: Take a marker and on the sign that says, "Keep this place as clean as you found it," say, "I found this place dirty, I left it dirty - did I do the right thing?" Write a company-wide email blaming a colleague and explain that you don't find the prank humorous.

 

Problem: You smell of air freshener

   

Solution: Normally walk to your desk and don't say anything. When somebody says, "Is it me... Or does it smell like Pine in here?" don't show any emotion. Just respond, "Yes, your B.O. is so vile that I had to put on air freshener to mask it."

  For the complete guide to pooping at work, make sure to read this book, "How to Poo at Work"